I hate public restrooms. I hate them. I have bathroom anxiety just on a normal basis in my own home, let alone trying to pee in the presence (or potential presence) of strangers. We’re all just trying to get through the day, why do we have to share awkward post-pee eye contact in the mirror while washing our hands. No thank you.
Plus, the women’s restroom at my office leaves, um, a lot to be desired. It has character, I suppose. And by that I mean, you have to know which of the soap dispensers is most likely to actually work (hint – it’s the one on at the far right sink – the other two are absolute CRAP). And which sink doesn’t have a broken motion sensor (the far left). I’ve stopped even noticing the “Temporarily Out of Order” sign on the far left stall. It’s been that way for a year. It will be out of order possibly forever. At this point, it’s a non-stall.
Right next to the Out of Order stall is the Sticky Lock stall. Sticky Lock stall is always a gamble, for obvious reasons. Sticky Lock stall is only to be used as a last resort – provided Just Fine stalls 1 & 2 are not available. Actually, truthfully, Sticky Lock stall is the second to last resort – I am too anxious to use the wheelchair accessible stall basically ever. What if someone who really needs it comes in while I’m in there? I can’t take that risk.
Now that you have the background, cue our story.
I had stepped out of what had become an incredibly long meeting in order to run to the bathroom. Unfortunately, several other people in other offices on our floor apparently had the same idea at the same time.
Just Fine stall 1 – already occupied. Leaving me three other stall choices. I’ve taken the liberty of laying out my reasoning for you below:
Wheelchair Accessible Stall: Directly next to Just Fine stall 1. Choosing this stall leaves no buffer stall between me and the occupant of Just Fine stall 1. Also the existential anxiety of using the wheelchair accessible stall. Clearly not an option.
Just Fine Stall 2: Also directly next to Just Fine stall 1. No buffer stall. Can my shy bladder handle this unfortunate placement? Almost certainly no.
Sticky Lock Stall: Between Just Fine stall 2 and Out of Order stall. Buffer stalls on each side. However, there is the potential threat that the lock may stick, trapping me inside. But on many previous occasions I’ve been able to successfully outmaneuver the lock. In the grand scheme of things, a small risk that gets me out of the discomfort of peeing directly next to another human, separated by only a stall wall. The lesser of three evils, if you will.
So, I chose Sticky Lock stall. I prevailed upon Sticky Lock stall to actually lock. Half the battle finished. Just then, someone decided to occupy Just Fine stall 2. As you will recall, Just Fine stall 2 is in between Just Fine stall 1 and Sticky Lock stall. So, my buffer stall is gone. A horrifying turn of of events.
Adding insult to injury, Sticky Lock stall chose that very moment to live up to its name. The lock mechanism absolutely refused to slide back. And I didn’t want to make a ton of noise and commotion trying to get this lock undone because there were two other humans in this bathroom and I didn’t want them to know I was stuck. Because it’s embarrassing to be trapped in a public bathroom stall when you’re supposed to be in a meeting. So I quietly, gently, rattled the stupid handle for what felt like ages (and was probably thirty seconds in reality), trying to break free.
No luck.
I seriously considered which would be least awful – trying to go up and over the sides, or sliding under the door. One seemed life-threatening, the other…disgusting. I can only imagine what bacterial nightmares lie dormant on the floors of public restrooms.
However, as I was weighing this catch 22, the human in Just Fine Stall 2 made her way from the stall to the sink. My buffer stall was back. AND, I felt a little give in the shared stall wall. I pushed it gently to the left, and saw the latch begin to work free. A few more well placed pushes on the walls and the door came loose.
I was liberated.
Sticky Lock stall is dead to me. I have begun to reconcile myself to a life without buffer stalls.
I Have Bunk Beds 