Once, a while ago, I had the good fortune to go on a surprise trip to Costa Rica during spring break. My Uncle & Aunt were going on vacation, and my cousin and her husband were supposed to go with them but then had to cancel at the last minute.
So I got my passport rushed (side note: don’t let your passport expire, in case you get asked on a surprise Costa Rica trip) and flew to Costa Rica. If you want to read about my airplane experiences on this trip, you can visit my previously written post “On Traveling”:
https://ihavebunkbeds.wordpress.com/2016/11/28/on-traveling/
Anyway, Costa Rica is pretty cool. There were toucans just hanging out in the backyard of the house we were renting. TOUCANS. I mean, come on. How is it possible that that could be a normal occurrence anywhere.
This isn’t even a stock photo! I took this picture! Me! With a camera!
And there were a bunch of other awesome things, but those aren’t the point of this story.
Anyway, Costa Rica is also sort of terrifying. Yes, for obvious reasons, like crocodiles and steep cliff faces, and I’m sure there are other fun things that swim. But I was expecting this. I was prepared for crocodile-dodging and stepping on unidentified slimy things in the ocean and having coconuts fall dangerously close to me. (This makes it sound like I met a crocodile. I didn’t, but it’s fun to pretend.)
Yet, I wasn’t prepared for one, seemingly humdrum thing.
BUGS. SO MANY BUGS. And not just normal bugs. Normal bugs don’t freak me out. I don’t like them, but we can coexist just fine.
I’m talking GIANT BUGS. BUGS ON STEROIDS. And not only were they huge, they were after me, personally.
This is what sitting on the back porch felt like at night. Godzilla vs. Mothra. I’m only exaggerating a little.
Okay, fine. So really only one bug was after me, personally.
But it was really big.
I was just sitting on the porch, minding my own business, when suddenly something VERY LARGE with lots of wings hit me in the back of the head. I thought it was a bat, and I thought it was stuck in my hair. Having something large and alive get stuck in your hair is every girl’s nightmare. Just trust me.
After I screamed a lot and knocked over some things, I saw it. It was a grasshopper. And it was huge. Probably sent directly from hell, because there’s only one place a grasshopper that big could be from. AND IT WAS FOLLOWING ME.
TELL ME TO MY FACE THAT DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A DEMON GRASSHOPPER.
The thing kept hopping towards me, and flapping his giant wings, and running into my knees like some kind of maddened beast trying to use its body as a battering ram. No matter where I sat on the porch, it found me. I’d never been bullied by a bug before, but it worked.
After a few attempts to stake out my territory, I let him have the porch to himself, before he summoned his legion of brothers from the depths of Hades.
But that wasn’t the end. Because who do you think I found creeping on the doorframe of my bedroom the next morning?
My terrifying hell-grasshopper, obviously. It was like he was one some kind of stakeout. He just sat there and stared at me. Well, not really at me. He was facing the door. But you get the point.
He sat there the whole morning. (I stayed on the opposite end of the porch, thank you very much.) And then, suddenly, he was gone. Probably headed back to the fiery chasm from whence he came.
That’s my best guess, since he didn’t drown in the pool with all his other nighttime bug friends, which is what I was hoping.
I checked.
No such luck.
I bet he haunts the porch to this very day.
I Have Bunk Beds 