Let me just preface this by saying that I don’t hate Christmas music. I don’t. There are plenty of songs that I really genuinely enjoy. HOWEVER. I think we can all agree that there are some Christmas songs that need to be, um, retired.
Anyway, here is a list of Christmas songs in no particular order that I’d like to never hear ever again.
What even is this song. There are like two lyrics and you just repeat them over and over. This song is the melodic equivalent of smashing your head against a wall repeatedly and the rest of the world expecting you to enjoy it. Never mind the message of goodwill to all, once you’ve heard a couple loud people totally mangle the Spanish and the English parts you’ll be out of goodwill.
This song is just weird. Like I get that it’s supposed to be about this lady’s boyfriend or whatever but let’s not sexualize Santa please. This holiday is complicated enough without confusing everyone about Santa.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Again with the sexualization of Santa thing, why do we think this is a good idea. Plus, this song is just poorly written and boring to boot. Skip.
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Wanna listen to a completely irreverent song about death and the elderly? Then this one’s for you! This song is a symptom of our society’s terrible, terrible attitude towards older adults. How about I run you over with a reindeer. We’ll see if you want to sing about it then.
All I Want For Christmas Is You
Nope. I think it’s probably just because I don’t like Mariah Carey. And also this song is tacky. Bye.
Holly Jolly Christmas
This song has too many weird rhymes. “Holly” “Jolly” “Golly”, I mean where does it stop. It’s too cheerful and fake. If aliens were trying to blend in during Christmas, this would be the song they’d be singing too loudly while smiling too widely and waving too much.
Only listen to this song if you want to cry while sitting at a stoplight, and then immediately hate yourself for giving in to emotional manipulation. This is the most heavy handed tearjerker ever written, without redeeming qualities. I immediately change the station or leave the room if it comes on.
I didn’t even know this song existed until a couple of years ago, but I hate it as if I’ve known it my whole life. No disrespect to Paul McCartney, who has written many other great songs, but this one straight up sucks. The hook is annoying, the content is shallow and I don’t know how it got any traction at all.
The Chipmunk Song
The more you listen to it, the more it will wear on you. The intro, the voices, the weird fixation with hula hoops. It gets old fast. Maybe it was a good gimmick at first but it’s tired now. Just let it die.
Oh Holy Night
This song would be awesome if it was seven verses shorter. And if there was a federal law that high school girls aren’t allowed to sing it at Christmas concerts. “OH NIGHTTTTTT *screech screech* DIVIIIIIINNNNEEE *screeeecchhh*” No thank you, I can go elsewhere for more humane forms of torture.