Kids Can’t Handle My Leg Stubble

Whoever decided that women should shave their legs is the legitimate worst.

 

I mean, seriously.  God gave us leg hair, why can’t we keep it?  It takes a solid extra five minutes in the shower to deal with that crap.  That’s five minutes I could be sleeping or eating or something way better.  And if you’re me (translation: clumsy), every time you touch a razor you risk absentmindedly gashing yourself.

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^^whoever made this meme is my spirit animal

Which is why my legs generally have about three days of stubble on them at any given time.  And let’s be honest, three days is actually not that bad.  Like, I know plenty of people that go weeks, okay?

 

But you know who doesn’t appreciate my dedication to sort of keeping my leg hair under control?

 

CHILDREN.   Kids give zero craps about the hell that is shaving.  If your legs are prickly, they will for darn sure tell everyone within a ten mile radius.

 

I know this because I worked at a daycare for kids 0-5 years old and made the mistake of wearing shorts to work and letting kids sit in my lap.  “Hey, why are your legs so scratchy?” is a really fun question to answer during storytime in front of all your coworkers.

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I know you can’t tell kids to shut up but…I mean COME ON

I once was monitoring kids at recess and looked down to find one of my pre-K kids absentmindedly petting my legs.  “What? It’s pokey!”

Even the littlest kids, the ones that can’t say actual words didn’t give me a break.  I was holding one of my littles on my lap, he legit knew like three words at the time so I thought I’d be safe, BUT NO.

I kid you not, he touched my leg, frowned, touched it again and said “uh oh”.  He then continued to rub my stubble and loudly proclaim “UH OH” to everyone else in the classroom.

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My coworkers died laughing, and thus it was proven that children of any age can and will mercilessly attack when you’re at your most vulnerable.

 

I shaved much more frequently after that.  Which, I’m happy to say, had the desired effect.  It has now been some time since my legs have been unceremoniously thrust into the spotlight.

 

And luckily, winter is coming.  Which will release all of female-dom from the chains of shaving for a few short, frigid months.

 

Or maybe we’ll just embrace our stubble.  You can yell about it all you want, kids.

Drug Test From Hell

So, one time for school I had to go volunteer at a hospital for a semester.  Which was awesome because that’s what I wanted to do with my life.

However, since it’s a hospital and people there have lots of diseases and fun stuff going on you have to prove that:

a) you can’t get sick

b) you can’t get other people sick

c) you aren’t a psychopath or on hella drugs

(i.e. not this guy):

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**RIP Heath Ledger

 

All this background-check-safety-measure stuff means that there’s a bunch of paperwork that has to happen before the actual volunteering and making people’s lives better part can begin.

One of the things you have to do is get a drug test done, which, you know, makes total sense.  The only problem was I’d never had to take a drug test before, and, as a drug test rookie I forgot one important piece of information: drug tests are urine tests.  URINE TESTS.

And I, genius that I am, went to go get mine done on a day that I’d drunk maybe one glass of water all day. Maybe.

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So I filled out all the paperwork and paid for it and everything and then went into the restroom to get the job done.

…Nothing.

It was a terrible realization.  Like, a please-God-no-this-isn’t-happening-I-already-feel-so-strange-about-all-of-this-please-no realization.

Let me tell you, there are few things weirder than going out into a waiting room and explaining to an office worker that you can’t get yourself to pee.  (“I’m sorry ma’am, I just, you see, I can’t pee on command…”)

I decided to see if I could wait it out (because that’s not super weird), and chugged a bottle of Mountain Dew to try to speed along the process.  I may or may not have been legitimately praying for pee at this point.

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Then everyone working in the lab figured out what was happening and (strangely) got emotionally invested in my plight.  I spent the next hour and a half sitting in that waiting room, going to the restroom and trying to pee about every fifteen minutes.

Yes.  This really happened.

Every time I emerged from the bathroom one of the lab workers would call “Any luck yet?”

Finally, the lab was CLOSING, and I still hadn’t peed.

I had to come back THE NEXT DAY all because I couldn’t get myself to pee in a stupid cup.  But this wasn’t enough for the vindictive pee gods. No, of course not.

Five minutes after I pulled out of the lab parking lot, I felt it. I had to pee.

Like, I really had to pee.

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The next day I hydrated like nobody’s business the whole morning, and peed in that cup like it was my job.

Good news: I wasn’t on drugs.

 

The Jimmy Kimmel Halloween Prank – (Why, Parents – WHY?!?)

Yes, I am writing about the Jimmy Kimmel Halloween Candy Prank, also known as That One Time A Year When Apparently It’s Ok To Lie To Your Kids Because A Talk Show Host Said To.  The second title was too long, that’s why they don’t use it on the show.   Just, you know, if you were wondering.

You see, I don’t like the Halloween Prank.  It was funny-ish the first time it happened, mostly because of that one gem on the end (you sneaky Mom!).  But really, that was it.  The rest was just screaming kids, and who really wants to watch five minutes of temper tantrums?  Nobody, that’s who.  So, as incentive to not have children, I guess the prank works.  It also works as incentive to never trust parents.

 

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But really, here is why it’s a problem:

1)  I’m sorry, but these kids are too young to take that kind of joke.  You get kids that are 12, 13 and up then yeah, they are capable of understanding the humor.  But children younger than that (children of trick-or-treat age) are not developmentally ABLE to understand the complexity of this joke.  They live in a black and white world people, concrete operations period, or didn’t you study your Piaget?  All they know is a) my parents took my things without asking, something I am not supposed to do because it’s bad  (is it any wonder they’re upset?) and then later b) my parents lied to me, another thing I am not supposed to because it’s bad.

Is it just me or are there some mixed messages happening here?  And no, saying “I was just kidding” does not make it all better.  Do your kids still have consequences when they lie to you and then say “just kidding”?  You bet they do.  The logical conclusion of this experience, if you are a child is a) my parents cannot be trusted and b) my parents do things that they say I am not allowed to do because they are bad.  News flash: neither of these is a good conclusion if you’re looking for a harmonious household.

2) Let’s examine the reactions of these kids.  Yikes.  I mean, alright, a couple of them are pretty sweet and forgiving, but GEEZ the overall stunts are um, terrifying.

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However, how are the parents supposed to address these angry outbursts?  Can you discipline a kid for having a tantrum because you lied to them?  But are you just supposed to let the words “I hate you, Mom” slide under the table?  It seems the general consensus is to videotape it and then move on.  But one wonders, what seeds of dysfunction are being sown by this “good-natured practical joke”?  And why create such a parenting paradox in the first place?

3) Why on earth do people watch these?  It’s just children screaming and calling their parents names.  No thanks, I’ll pass.  Also, I’m very concerned about a generation of parents that has no problem having a laugh at the expense of their child.  It’s one thing to involuntarily catch something cute or weird or hilarious on film, and quite another to manipulate your kid so that you can have three seconds of youtube fame.

In conclusion – please never do this to your kids.

Thanks.