So Parents never taught Siblings and I to believe in things like Santa or the Easter Bunny. When asked, they would always shrug and say something about not seeing a reason to lie to us when the truth was better anyway. We were firmly instructed not to enlighten our friends, and that was that.
However, this doesn’t mean that we didn’t still reap the benefits of these nonexistent benevolent beings. “Santa” still gave us presents and stockings, and the “Easter Bunny” still brought baskets. And “the Tooth Fairy” still left money under our pillows and made off with our teeth. We knew darn well it was Parents the whole time but enjoyed the pretense anyway. Plus, being “in” on the secret made us feel so superior to our deluded friends.
Since there was no curtain to be pulled back, Mom decided to have a little fun with the Tooth Fairy. Maybe too much fun, honestly. It started innocently enough, she made a Tooth Fairy out of colored construction paper. She had blue hair and a pink dress and purple wings. There might have been yarn and glitter involved too but my memory is vague on the details.
The Tooth Fairy would be taped to our bedframes or nightstands the morning after we lost a tooth, and she’d have the tooth in her hand (hot glued) and a speech bubble with some wild story about phantom sprites she’d encountered on her way there, and how happy she was to have another tooth. There were usually lots of exclamation points, and then there would also be a couple quarters under the pillow – which was the truly exciting part when you’re a kid. FIFTY WHOLE CENTS for a tooth – not bad for a nonexistent benevolent being.
Slight pause while we enjoy this very relevant contribution by Bill Watterson
However, Mom ran into a snag at this point because now she had all these baby teeth that the Tooth Fairy had traded for much more useful quarters. Never being one to throw things away that can be repurposed, Mom decided the Tooth Fairy needed some authentic bling. So, the Tooth Fairy got a tooth necklace. Then, a bit later, some bracelets and earrings. Every time somebody lost a tooth, that tooth became part of the Tooth Fairy’s wardrobe. For us, it became part of the fun of the whole thing – where would the new tooth end up??
Now, this was all fine and good, endearingly creative even, until you consider the fact that I have four siblings.
Guys.
That is SO MANY teeth. A Tooth Fairy with one child’s teeth glued to it is like when people keep the hair locks from the first time they cut their kid’s hair. Like it’s a little weird but we get it. The teeth of FIVE children glued to a construction paper Tooth Fairy is the beginning of a horror movie. In Mom’s defense, there was no way of knowing there would be five kids when she set all this in motion.
Anyway, it gets better.
I mean weirder.
There’s a thirteen year age gap between Older Brother and my Baby Sister, so there wasn’t really a time that the Tooth Fairy could feasibly retire without slighting the younger kids. Besides, the process of gluing our teeth to this construction paper person was at this point so normalized that we didn’t bat an eye to the increasing number of teeth being collected at a single focal point. When we got braces, the baby teeth with the metal bands around them fell out eventually. So, the Tooth Fairy got some shiny new buttons. Even a few with some fillings – extra special.
And while Baby Sister was still losing her baby teeth, Older Brother was getting his wisdom teeth pulled. So, the wisdom teeth became fancy new rhinestones on the Tooth Fairy’s dress. Roots and all. (Bleached heavily beforehand of course, we aren’t monsters). She may have even paid for those teeth as well, though I don’t think he put them under his pillow.
I’m pretty sure the Tooth Fairy was still collecting teeth by the time I left for college. After that, it’s anybody’s guess how many teeth she continued to acquire before finally collapsing under the weight of her own purchases.
She ended up sitting on the top shelf of a vanity in Parents’ room for years, forgotten and covered in dust – shedding glitter and bits of yarn. And probably teeth.
We found the Tooth Fairy during a spring cleaning much, much later. Having served her purpose, she officially retired to a trash can.
…But, oddly enough, not the teeth. What happened to the teeth is a story for another time.
I Have Bunk Beds 