This is a story about the day we mailed my best friend’s little sister to Australia. The following account is mostly true except for the parts that are a little fuzzy in my memory so I fabricated them slightly to keep the story from falling apart.
You remember iMacs? I mean, I know we still have them, but I’m talking about the old ones. You know, the colored ones with the convenient handles on top.
Believe it or not, these were once the height of technological achievement. Ours was green, and more importantly it came in a fantastic cardboard box.
Being the a) weird and b) imaginative children that we were, my brothers and I immediately discovered that you could fit any one of us in that box and close the lid easily. Our new favorite game involved shoving someone into the box, closing them in, and rolling it around on the basement floor until he (or she) could no longer see straight. It was sort of a contest to see who could endure it the longest without brain damage. (My parents had no idea we did this until about a year ago).
Anyway, one afternoon my best friend and her little sister came over to play with my brothers and I. My little brother and I and the two of them were inseparable. This day was special though, because my older brother condescended to associate with the unenlightened and played with us as well.
We rolled each other around in the box until everyone was dizzy, and since my friend’s sister was the youngest, she had to go last. (Duh. Everything is about age hierarchy when you’re a kid.)
We were terrible children, and rolled the box onto the lid so that she was trapped. And then we hatched a plan. Looking back on this story, the rest of us usually blame my big brother for what happened next. He was the oldest, he should have known better. But really it was all of our faults.
After rolling her enough to disorient her, we let her out of the box but blindfolded her immediately. We then proceeded to make her walk around our basement and up a fake flight of stairs that we had created out of pillows. While this was happening we helpfully said things like “yeah, let’s go upstairs” and “hey why don’t we take her outside” and “why don’t you pick her up and carry her for a sec”.
We also said things like “ooo put her in the box” and “hey, let’s mail her to Australia!” and “yeah write ‘Australia’ on the box with some stamps” and “Hey, look! Here comes the mailman!”
At this point, either she started crying, or she freaked out enough to take off the blindfold. Either way, “here comes the mailman” was the breaking point. There are few things that strike fear into the heart like the possibility of the immediate presence of a U.S. Postal worker.
We were still in the basement, but she was convinced she was seconds away from a trip to Australia.
And that’s how we scarred my best friend’s little sister for life. It still comes up, pretty much anytime we’re all together. “Remember that day you pretended to mail me to Australia?”
“You guys suck.”
Which just goes to show, you should never trust your siblings, or your friends. They might try to mail to you to another continent, just for kicks.