Drug Test From Hell

So, one time for school I had to go volunteer at a hospital for a semester.  Which was awesome because that’s what I wanted to do with my life.

However, since it’s a hospital and people there have lots of diseases and fun stuff going on you have to prove that:

a) you can’t get sick

b) you can’t get other people sick

c) you aren’t a psychopath or on hella drugs

(i.e. not this guy):


**RIP Heath Ledger


All this background-check-safety-measure stuff means that there’s a bunch of paperwork that has to happen before the actual volunteering and making people’s lives better part can begin.

One of the things you have to do is get a drug test done, which, you know, makes total sense.  The only problem was I’d never had to take a drug test before, and, as a drug test rookie I forgot one important piece of information: drug tests are urine tests.  URINE TESTS.

And I, genius that I am, went to go get mine done on a day that I’d drunk maybe one glass of water all day. Maybe.



So I filled out all the paperwork and paid for it and everything and then went into the restroom to get the job done.


It was a terrible realization.  Like, a please-God-no-this-isn’t-happening-I-already-feel-so-strange-about-all-of-this-please-no realization.

Let me tell you, there are few things weirder than going out into a waiting room and explaining to an office worker that you can’t get yourself to pee.  (“I’m sorry ma’am, I just, you see, I can’t pee on command…”)

I decided to see if I could wait it out (because that’s not super weird), and chugged a bottle of Mountain Dew to try to speed along the process.  I may or may not have been legitimately praying for pee at this point.


Then everyone working in the lab figured out what was happening and (strangely) got emotionally invested in my plight.  I spent the next hour and a half sitting in that waiting room, going to the restroom and trying to pee about every fifteen minutes.

Yes.  This really happened.

Every time I emerged from the bathroom one of the lab workers would call “Any luck yet?”

Finally, the lab was CLOSING, and I still hadn’t peed.

I had to come back THE NEXT DAY all because I couldn’t get myself to pee in a stupid cup.  But this wasn’t enough for the vindictive pee gods. No, of course not.

Five minutes after I pulled out of the lab parking lot, I felt it. I had to pee.

Like, I really had to pee.




The next day I hydrated like nobody’s business the whole morning, and peed in that cup like it was my job.

Good news: I wasn’t on drugs.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s